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Timing is everything, right? It blows my mind when things appear at the exact moment I need them. I was scrolling Instagram this morning and my sister had posted this quote from Tiny Buddha. I knew when I read it what I needed to do.
The past two weeks have been a rough ride, emotionally. I love to hate Facebook memories and I knew what would start appearing in my feed. The last 4 years of Thanksgiving’s spent with my family in Florida. Not my husband and my kids, but my family from which I come from. My Mom, my Dad, 3 siblings, nieces and nephews and my Gramma. My Gramma that we suddenly lost in August from a Septic Stroke. Not only were these memories going to remind me that I was not there this year, they reminded me that my Gramma is gone. Grief makes normal things, hard. I can’t think about her without tearing up and seeing those memories made me weak.
What I was not prepared for were the memories of me. The me from 2012-2016. I was miserable, and lonely, depressed, full of anxiety, unhappy. I also found the wrong in everything. Looking back on these memories and reading my posts, I hate how miserable I was as a stay-at-home mom. Most of my days were a complete blur and if it were not for Facebook memories, those years would be so fuzzy.
Letting It All Go
My Gramma is not the first person I have lost that I love. I’ve lost way too many people in my life to count. But her death changed me in ways I would have never expected. I’ve been going through the stages of grief for months and I’m still digging my way through. Looking back on her life, I realize how amazing life really is. I’m still here. I have managed to hold on through a whole lot of awful and I need to teach myself how to breathe in the amazing.
For so many years I’ve been bitter, mad, angry, resentful. I daydream about things that I can not change and I drive myself crazy. For instance, I’m probably never going to get over allowing my husband to talk me into building our current house. Immediately the idea was fantastic, but soon after and the years later, I hate myself for not standing up for myself. Two years ago, I almost left him when he cancelled a sale contract we had, I just knew I was finally going to get in a house that I loved that I could call home. Quite honestly I don’t think I will ever get over it, but I have to move past it.
Because this is just a house. Shelter, walls and beams. It doesn’t define me. Him. Our kids. For years I let this place define me and I allowed me hating it to make me a miserable person. I complained about it non-stop, to anyone that would listen. Looking back, I see how gross I was and I never want to be that way again.
Life Is Amazing And Then It’s Awful
Life is amazing, and then it’s awful. These words truly punch me in the face every time I read them. It’s life. None of it is perfect, it’s messy, it’s ugly, it’s death, its loss of friendships, it’s lonely and hard. What matters is how you deal with it. No one can judge anyone’s situation unless they have dealt with the same thing. It’s easy for an outsider to think “she should be happy and thank her lucky stars” when they have absolutely no real idea about what goes on behind closed doors.
My problem is, I’m transparent, I’m honest and real. People do not know how to deal with that. My husband of almost 13 years still doesn’t know how to deal with it. People would rather not talk about the ugly, grittiness of real life. Put it in a closet and shut the door! Let’s only talk about all the amazing things in our life and make people think our life is perfect. It’s false and it’s all bullshit!
But life truly IS amazing! I’m learning to look at the amazing more instead of dwelling on the awful. I’m trying to be better in that respect, I’m trying to be better so I can do better! I’m taking less for granted and living in the moment every day for the rest of my life.
The Facebook memories will be there, day after day. There to remind me to be a better person and to breath in the amazing so I can ride out the ordinary and mundane. I can’t go back and create a new beginning, I can start where I am and change the ending. I want to be all of the things I loved most about my Gramma. The pain of losing her is continually empowering me to be my highest self.